Stripper on the loose

Local Altus resident held on charges of public nudity.

Carl Paperbuyer from right here in Altus, OK was arrested yesterday on four counts of public nudity. "Carl had been running around town naked for several weeks before we finally caught that bastard," police Sgt. Brigs said. "We had gotten several complaints from concerned mothers about a man running around naked and decided it was time to take this criminal down once and for all."

The police used a computer to plot out where Paperbuyer had been streaking, and they found a trend. They then set up a trap for Paperbuyer based on the collected information. "Our man fell right into it," Brigs explained.

Brigs staged a public event knowing that the streaker was sure to run by during the event. Sure enough, they saw a man run by with no clothes on. The police hiding in the area went in for the kill and brought Carl Paperbuyer down.

Many local Altus residents were shocked at who it was. One widowed Mrs. Cunningham had this to say, "I always thought Carl was such a good intentioned person. I guess Carl has finally shown their true side. That man Bitch! Foolin' us all like that!"

Carl Paperbuyer will be tried next month in the local courthouse in Altus, OK. Police are now warning parents to stay close to their children in case other freaks decide to follow the actions of Paperbuyer. A new law is currently being written to bring down harsher punishments in cases like this. This new law will be named after the man and is called "Paperbuyer's law."

Until Paperbuyer is tried and jailed, police are posting pictures of this criminal all around Altus. "People should stay far away from this man." Said Brigs, "Paperbuyer has been exposed as a pervert and we don't want this man hurting anyone."

Carl Paperbuyer declined our request for an interview saying only, "I love shagging sheep while fly fishing for slipperys."

We will cover news of the trial as it happens.